The more I learn…

The more I learn about American history, and I don’t just mean what we like to tell ourselves, but what actually happened, The more I understand why it’s the most ludicrous of people who take pride in being american. To be a self proclaimed ignorant hick, and be proud of that fact, is just another example of the true hideousness of america. As I’ve come to learn of Victors law, we wrote our history as we needed to be the good guys in our battles. We crucify nazi germany for the death toll on the Jewish community, but America’s genocidal attack on the Native People in what is now North America is outrageous.

It’s no wonder these fucking morons take pride in being homicidal hypocrites, they ARE homicidal hypocrites! Just look at a majority of them referring to the bible and jesus as all loving and all caring except when its convenient to say that god and jesus hate the same people they do because they can’t stand the idea of someone being different than them. 

Am I being a hypocrite for saying I don’t like these bible thumping bigots? NO! For one, I’ve taken the time to understand these asinine fools and after much observation and understanding, I can honestly say, these people are fucking stupid and ignorant. They want to throw the bible down as evidence that god exists, but all that tells you is you can fool a bunch of people into believing in something with the right motivation and reinforcement. By that logic Goku and Gohan are real and at some point earth blew up and was wished back by the dragon of New Namek. Not only do I have written, graphical evidence that these events happened, I have 14 seasons of a complete show showing the growth of a boy to a loving father who fought evil at it’s worse and won!

Pit this shining example of Kurt Goldstein‘s person of self-actualization against some little bitch hanging from a cross, and his gullible father who is so full of hate and so damn stupid that he lets this evil fallen angel determine what happens to his creations instead of making the evil go away, and the clear winner is Goku. All powerful, All loving my ass. Goku is more loving than this pathetic christian god. 

When it comes to being an american, I just happened to be born in the states. Nothing to be proud of. The fact that I have taken the time to understand this country and call it out for the lying piece of shit it is, You’re damn right I’m proud of thinking for myself!

Ducky tie

Ted: Don’t go…I’m sorry…I just….Why didn’t I say it then? Why did I let you get on that plane? Why didn’t I get on it with you? What would our lives be right now if we just…held on? Would I have still run into you at this party tonight….or would we have been there together? We’d go home…to our home. You cook. I do the dishes. I’m happy that you’re happy. But dammit, what if?

Victoria: Do you really want to know the answer to that?

Ted: No, I think it would kill me.

Victoria: Goodbye, Ted.

Ted: Ok, yes. What’s the answer?

Victoria: There is a reason that it didn’t work out between you and me, but it’s not Germany. And I’m willing to bet it’s the same reason none of your other relationships in the last six years have lasted either. It’s Robin.

Ted: No.

Victoria: Yes. She is so much bigger in your world than you realize. And this thing that you’re all doing, you and Barney and Robin, where the three of you hang out at the bar night in, night out, like you’re all just buddies? That doesn’t work, trust me. I’m right about this. Goodbye, Ted.

Future Ted: And sure enough, she was right. It didn’t work. We just didn’t realize it yet.

I’ve noticed a pattern lately with people. They hang on to bad relationships. I’ve watched someone ruin a relationship with someone else over an ex they can’t stop crawling back to. They also ruined their friendship with me because of it. It’s not the first time it’s happened and I can see that very set up in front of my eyes now.

I know this girl likes me, but she’s very distant. I’ve extended my hand to her to hang out, but she ignores it. The last time I tried, she didn’t bother to even say “Sorry, can’t make it.”

Her way of interacting with me after silence the night before is to click like on a bitstips comic I made, making fun of the heart shape. She also posts pictures of her hanging out with a douchebag ex. I’ve been down this road before. I don’t care to see the “Dead End” sign. She even texted me tonight, letting me know shes out at the same bar I met her at. I already decided to stay in. 

I’m not going to walk into that situation again. I don’t want to get hurt because someone else can’t let go of their past. Just putting the effort to hang out with her has been too much, while she hangs out with others at the drop of a hat.

I have no title for this

For the last few months, I’ve recoiled. I recognized the situation in front of me and had to back away; cut ties with the two people directly involved. I was lost after that. It was very similar to losing my dad, but not same. 

Still, it was enough of me to pull away from everyone and want to keep to myself. What finally did the trick for me was watching game play of The Walking Dead video game. The point and click adventure that telltale games made. 

The main character was on his way to jail when the outbreak happened. I really don’t feel like getting into the game all that much. If you’ve watched the show, read the comic or just played through the game and thought about all the things that would be gone from your life. The little things we take for granted that are no longer conceivable in that world. It puts things into perspective.

The characters fret over imagined things, argue with each other because of how miserable the situation is, but they never let go of the bullshit that keeps them there in the first place. It’s a great example of how we try holding on to the past when none of it matters anymore. You really have nothing but the moment, and your next one could be your last. 

If it isn’t the past eating you up inside, it’s that zombie that you were too distracted to see right in front of you. 

I’m now moving past my set back slowly, and feeling reluctant to care about things. At the same time, I’ve tried figuring out what it is I want, and trying to pursue an opportunity. I find what I thought were minor hoops to jump through to be more like solid walls.

To start my career in the field I went to school for, I just need to show them that I am capable of working. Now, two places that were supposed to be easy to get into have turned me down.

A friend first suggested one of them to me.  He is related to the guy doing the hiring. He told me to apply and I would be hired. Then another friend of mine, also looking for work, applied with me. He heard back about the job and had a time to meet for training.  I didn’t hear a damn thing. He told me the time and place to be and what to wear. I knew better though, if I didn’t hear it first hand, then there was no reason to assume anything.

 I texted the person about the job and got nothing back. I called the person twice, but he didn’t respond for 3 days. When he finally did get back to me, he came up with some bullshit lie as to why I wasn’t hired. The part that pisses me off most is that he couldn’t just say, “I don’t want to hire you.” I had to wait three fucking days for him to come up with some bullshit.

So now I sit. It’s a fucking catch 22. I can’t get hired without experience, but I can’t get the experience if no one hires me.  It’s so fucking ridiculous. This fucking world has come down to whose ass you’re willing to kiss instead of the abilities you have and the skills you have acquired. 

At this point, my diploma isn’t worth the toilet paper I wipe my ass with.

While this little joke of America’s bullshit society is going on, this young woman seems to have some kind of interest in me. After the situation I had to walk away from, I don’t even want to like her. I really don’t know what the hell she sees in me. Seeing her becomes the highlight of my day, but I don’t want to rely on it.

At Midnight tonight was her Birthday. She posted on facebook where she would be and invited anyone who wanted to show up. I decided that I would go and spend some time with her outside of the usual, since I only see her once a week.

She was extremely surprised and happy to see me come out. However, after so much disappointment in the past, I don’t want to go through the same cycle with her that I have with everyone else.  She puts on quite a show for people. I can see through it though. Others, who do this, seem so fake to me, but I can see her doing it to protect herself. The same way I joke around with people to keep from getting to serious and thus, too close to “real”.

 My interactions with her, when it’s just us talking, seem to be cutting through the small talk. Learning a little bit more about each other without it being too personal, nor too casual. She asked me what I do for work, and told her that I’m unemployed. When I see her once a week, I go in to where she works for the weekly special on the food they serve. At least that was my only reason at first. Lately I couldn’t care less about the food. For the last month or so, seeing her really has been the highlight of the day. She concluded that I come in to see her on those days, and she said she is glad I do.

My dad’s passing was devastating for me. It took more than 3 years to find some kind of normal again. But now a friend’s Dad committed suicide around the anniversary of my dad’s passing. I already hated this time of year because of my dad’s death. Being reminded every year that he died a week before his birthday. On top of it now is my friend’s dad, taking his own life the day before my dad’s birthday.

I know a lot of what he’s going through, and the whole thing has brought me to tears more than once. Thinking about his dad, my dad, and my own plans to do myself in, once upon a time, becomes overwhelming and I have to cry.

It’s so much pain in such a short amount of time. It makes me want to lash out at the world. However, I know it will serve nothing, and that it will not take away the sorrow.  This is my rant to get it out of my system. I am not the brash, quick to anger, person I once was, but I know It’s better to let it go on here than to let it fester inside, no matter how much tolerance for it I’ve gained.

A year ago, half this stress was enough to make me want to end it all. I can’t even pretend the idea of suicide even remotely sounds good to me. It seems less of an option, now more than ever. Not with what’s happened in the last year, not with what just happened to my friend. More so, how selfish the whole idea is. Seeing firsthand what it does to the people who do care, even if I have no clue why some care at all.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned in the last year, the rest of the world can go fuck itself. Because I’m not going anywhere, I’m not backing down, and I’m not just going to sit here like a little bitch. If I’m going down, It’s not from a lack of trying.

Resolve

I have been a slave to fear for as long as I can remember. It came to a point where the one thing I didn’t fear anymore was death. And truth is, that is something I still don’t fear. While that idea of not fearing death kind of haunts me a little, it doesn’t over take me in the slightest.

One of my longest running fears has been how I feel about someone. I am often lingering in the shadows, so to speak, when it comes to liking someone. The idea of confronting myself on it and them has always been so scary.

The first time I asked someone out was in college. I never could in high school. While she didn’t reject me out right, I got so caught up in what she thought of me I had a panic attack. That has effected me ever since. Today though, after a long personal journey through self-awareness over the last year or so, I felt good all day.

My gut instinct is strong. It’s telling me I’ve made the right choice. It’s as if the universe is setting things up for me to do what I need to do. I am going to talk to this young woman, the young mother with whom I’ve fallen in love with, and finally get something resolved. I love her and her son and I can’t stay quiet about it.

I have never felt so strong in this situation before. My gut hasn’t flinched about this once. It’s like I’m in-tune with the universe on this one thing. I really don’t know what’s going to happen. I am learning to have no expectations on the outcome nor to attach my feelings to the outcome. Learning… I am not totally there yet, but I am still learning.

My gut feeling on this is all good. I trust my feelings. I love this young woman. I know my life can continue on without her and her son. It’s a matter of wanting to keep them in my life. It’s taken me a long time to understand that feeling.

So I leave it now, for the time will come and I will have my answer.

Wish for the best.

” If you realize that Coincidences are manifestations of your non-local (omni-present) self… it’s the animating force of life, what people might even refer to as the soul. This non-local self is what orchestrates synchronicity, so actually when you get in touch with it there are more and more coincidences that are going to be happening in your life, and if you ask yourself what is the meaning of that? and you find the meaning as well and you take advantage of that, you’ll create good luck or what spiritual traditions have called a state of grace. ”

-Deepak Chopra

” If you realiz…

As you move through the day, be aware of how you treat yourself. Be aware of what you do to and for yourself, because you set the standard for others. As you grow in your awareness of how you treat yourself, you will probably become aware of the example you have set for others. You may realize that the time has come to set a new example.

~ Iyanla Vanzant

As you move thr…