I have no title for this

For the last few months, I’ve recoiled. I recognized the situation in front of me and had to back away; cut ties with the two people directly involved. I was lost after that. It was very similar to losing my dad, but not same. 

Still, it was enough of me to pull away from everyone and want to keep to myself. What finally did the trick for me was watching game play of The Walking Dead video game. The point and click adventure that telltale games made. 

The main character was on his way to jail when the outbreak happened. I really don’t feel like getting into the game all that much. If you’ve watched the show, read the comic or just played through the game and thought about all the things that would be gone from your life. The little things we take for granted that are no longer conceivable in that world. It puts things into perspective.

The characters fret over imagined things, argue with each other because of how miserable the situation is, but they never let go of the bullshit that keeps them there in the first place. It’s a great example of how we try holding on to the past when none of it matters anymore. You really have nothing but the moment, and your next one could be your last. 

If it isn’t the past eating you up inside, it’s that zombie that you were too distracted to see right in front of you. 

I’m now moving past my set back slowly, and feeling reluctant to care about things. At the same time, I’ve tried figuring out what it is I want, and trying to pursue an opportunity. I find what I thought were minor hoops to jump through to be more like solid walls.

To start my career in the field I went to school for, I just need to show them that I am capable of working. Now, two places that were supposed to be easy to get into have turned me down.

A friend first suggested one of them to me.  He is related to the guy doing the hiring. He told me to apply and I would be hired. Then another friend of mine, also looking for work, applied with me. He heard back about the job and had a time to meet for training.  I didn’t hear a damn thing. He told me the time and place to be and what to wear. I knew better though, if I didn’t hear it first hand, then there was no reason to assume anything.

 I texted the person about the job and got nothing back. I called the person twice, but he didn’t respond for 3 days. When he finally did get back to me, he came up with some bullshit lie as to why I wasn’t hired. The part that pisses me off most is that he couldn’t just say, “I don’t want to hire you.” I had to wait three fucking days for him to come up with some bullshit.

So now I sit. It’s a fucking catch 22. I can’t get hired without experience, but I can’t get the experience if no one hires me.  It’s so fucking ridiculous. This fucking world has come down to whose ass you’re willing to kiss instead of the abilities you have and the skills you have acquired. 

At this point, my diploma isn’t worth the toilet paper I wipe my ass with.

While this little joke of America’s bullshit society is going on, this young woman seems to have some kind of interest in me. After the situation I had to walk away from, I don’t even want to like her. I really don’t know what the hell she sees in me. Seeing her becomes the highlight of my day, but I don’t want to rely on it.

At Midnight tonight was her Birthday. She posted on facebook where she would be and invited anyone who wanted to show up. I decided that I would go and spend some time with her outside of the usual, since I only see her once a week.

She was extremely surprised and happy to see me come out. However, after so much disappointment in the past, I don’t want to go through the same cycle with her that I have with everyone else.  She puts on quite a show for people. I can see through it though. Others, who do this, seem so fake to me, but I can see her doing it to protect herself. The same way I joke around with people to keep from getting to serious and thus, too close to “real”.

 My interactions with her, when it’s just us talking, seem to be cutting through the small talk. Learning a little bit more about each other without it being too personal, nor too casual. She asked me what I do for work, and told her that I’m unemployed. When I see her once a week, I go in to where she works for the weekly special on the food they serve. At least that was my only reason at first. Lately I couldn’t care less about the food. For the last month or so, seeing her really has been the highlight of the day. She concluded that I come in to see her on those days, and she said she is glad I do.

My dad’s passing was devastating for me. It took more than 3 years to find some kind of normal again. But now a friend’s Dad committed suicide around the anniversary of my dad’s passing. I already hated this time of year because of my dad’s death. Being reminded every year that he died a week before his birthday. On top of it now is my friend’s dad, taking his own life the day before my dad’s birthday.

I know a lot of what he’s going through, and the whole thing has brought me to tears more than once. Thinking about his dad, my dad, and my own plans to do myself in, once upon a time, becomes overwhelming and I have to cry.

It’s so much pain in such a short amount of time. It makes me want to lash out at the world. However, I know it will serve nothing, and that it will not take away the sorrow.  This is my rant to get it out of my system. I am not the brash, quick to anger, person I once was, but I know It’s better to let it go on here than to let it fester inside, no matter how much tolerance for it I’ve gained.

A year ago, half this stress was enough to make me want to end it all. I can’t even pretend the idea of suicide even remotely sounds good to me. It seems less of an option, now more than ever. Not with what’s happened in the last year, not with what just happened to my friend. More so, how selfish the whole idea is. Seeing firsthand what it does to the people who do care, even if I have no clue why some care at all.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned in the last year, the rest of the world can go fuck itself. Because I’m not going anywhere, I’m not backing down, and I’m not just going to sit here like a little bitch. If I’m going down, It’s not from a lack of trying.


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